I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
