I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
