my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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