piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
