that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Randomize
