Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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