So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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