Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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