dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
