Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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