i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
