he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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