I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
