my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
