Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
