How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
