i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He shit in the fireplace
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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