also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
