i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
