I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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