His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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