after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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