i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
