God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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