I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
