Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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