First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
