No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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