You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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