i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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