Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
