from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
