Princesses don't give blow jobs
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
