So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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