i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
