Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Quick, to the slutcave!
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
