you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
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