just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
