if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
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would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
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