i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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