I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
