he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
