After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
If I die, sorry about rent.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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