Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
