Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
