And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
