We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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