Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
ttyl tear gas
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
