i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
