I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
