We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
