You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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