Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
COCAINE IS GR8
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
