so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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